philosophy is what you read off the cereal box

Thursday, February 08, 2007

okay. im really really scared now?
i think i'll just hyperventilate tomorrow even before i take back the results. i really don't want to see my results. i can't bear to see it.
i keep thinking that i'll do really bad. but i know i will. it's like the whole family's waiting for me to do badly and then just go tutting at me and telling me how big a disappointment i am. i already went through that during the PSLE period. i don't think i live through it again. it was totally a disaster. everyone in my extended family did better than i did. you know how competitive singapore can get. and you know how stressful a kid can get too. sometimes i really wonder why my dad didn't migrate over to some other country where i can actually not worry about my grades and enjoy being a kid? fooling around instead of studying my brains out?
i really wish i was smarter. then maybe my parents wouldn't feel as though they had a failure for a daughter. i really wish i'll do well for this stupid exams.
honestly i'd rather do millions of the o level than get back the results. i don't mind the studying. i really don't. i just don't like the speculations and questions from my relatives. it's unbearable.
i don't why i'm suddenly saying all this right now? but i guess it's like most probably the best time too ? i might not post anymore after this. since i'd most probably kill myself?
but i could remember the time when i told my parents i wanted to be a writer and earn the big bucks. be as famous as nora roberts, j.k. rowling, sidney sheldon.
but what did my parents do? all they did was just scoffed. mum went "you aren't even scoring well in your studies and you say you wanna be a writer?"
and dad was like "hah. when the day comes."
it totally hurt. real bad. i think that was when is stopped talking about what i wanted to be to my parents. that was when i stopped telling them what my dreams were.
sometimes, i wonder why they keep pushing sabrina to study so hard. maybe now i know why. i was always a failure in academic. i never scored straight band 1s or As in primary school, and i landed in quite a rotten school after PSLE, and then i didn't do quite that well in math or anything else. and then if i don't do well in this Os, i think i'll be an embarrassment to my parents. so maybe that's why they're pushing all their hopes and dreams into my sister.
come to think about it, it hurts when my parents tell my sister not to be like me. "don't be like your useless sister. good for nothing. always playing and not studying. so stupid. never does well."
maybe it won't have hurt that bad if they didn't say it in front of me, or obviously loudly enough for me to hear. sometimes i just go into the toilet and just sit there for ten fifteen minutes and just try to cry as silently as possible, or maybe just cry when i go to sleep.
whatever is, i wish i'll do well. nothing more said or done.
maybe i'll keep you posted. it depends.

spinning a tale ; @ 11:47 pm
hidden agendas and stolen kisses;